dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
