Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
