Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
