Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
