what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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