so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
