He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dicks are not precious.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
