You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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