im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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