I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
