i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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