This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
there is glitter all over my balls
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