I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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