watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I understand Curling. That high.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
