you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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