I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
