this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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