when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she pinky promised me she was 18
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
