Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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