Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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