Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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