I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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