This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
