I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
