i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
