Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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