hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
