My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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