wanna go halves on a baby?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize