Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize