so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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