I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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