Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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