By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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