i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
