Girls should come with a carfax report
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
