I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
