i may or may not be watching the land before time
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
