a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
