we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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