We're like a lot better than the average bears
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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