I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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