So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
