Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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