If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
