Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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