It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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