I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
