1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize