I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
