Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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