The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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