i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
