I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
