She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
