i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
