i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
