someone threw a dead crab at me
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
