Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
