your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
