We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
